Defined by Love

I love Jaimie, and surf, and pinball, and Nietzsche, and the West Wing, and Life in Pictures, and Woody Allen, and disc golf, and big dogs, and staying up late, and studying, and not drinking, and days off, and ice cold soda, and Bic Classic Stics, and TJ and Dave, and jailbreaking iPhones, and tech blogs, and good headphones, and God Damn Batman on Twitter, and Anniversary Slayer, and acting, and writing, and improv, and lifting weights, and Netflix, and free shipping, and Trader Joe's ice cream sandwiches, and milkshakes with the tin, and unlimited plans, and good punctuation, and things that make me cry, and Henry, and my Dad, and Reno, and playing in bands, and Mike Tyson's Punch Out, and Rocky I, II, IV, and unlimited skips on Pandora, and waking up without an alarm, and Peter Pan cunchy peanut butter, and good parking spots, and Intelligentsia coffee, and drumming on my chest, and making up songs about monsters, and plays, and yoga, and heavy fucking metal, and freshly washed sheets, and new socks, and American Apparel 25/25/50 shirts, and the Parker Jotter, and the Internet, and Super Nintendo, and Red Mango, and Lito's empanadas, and rough sex, and commuter jeans, and Chrome bags, and Apple products, and spirited debate, and blow jobs, and text messages, and existentialism, and American Psycho (book and movie), and paid vacation, and a close shave with a new razor, and wi-fi, and the Costco protein drinks, and girls with short hair, and big ass titties, and finishing big books, and retweets, and half-off specials, and The Mermen's "Slo Mo HVO," and early outs, and high definition TV, and Reno sunsets, and bravery, and honesty, and the dark part of YouTube, and people who can type faster than I can, and broken Olympic records, and academia, and staying after class with my professor, and blogging, and the way my friend Denise sings, Rage Against the Machine's "Testify" on Rock Band, and the way my friend Jawsh plays guitar, and reverb, and well-built watches, and reading my Mom's text messages aloud, and the sound a record needle makes when it is perfectly seated, and the font Helvetica, and museum free days, and full-screen apps, and software updates, and a well-crafted coffee drink, and customizable keyboard shortcuts, and autosave, and movies with montages, and the smell of rain, and minimalism, and efficiency, and the last five minutes of Obama's 2012 State of the Union speech, and pineapple juice, and rehearsal, and band practice, and touring, and midnight showings, and seamless bus transfers, and lifetime guarantees, and China Diner with friends, and running, and personal bests, and high fives, and writing in the margins, and   Hour of the Wolf's "Power of the Wolf" EP, and the Moss Icon's "It Disappears" LP, and Nirvana's the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" B-side "Even in his Youth", and GPS bus tracking, and CTA heaters, and reading outside the UNR philosophy department in early summer, and bowling with Alex, and Halo with team: We're Upgrading, and plowing through tv shows on DVD, and every second of Breaking Bad, and the fact that my Dad has never lied to me, and that feeling after doing a show, and a solid piece of copy paper, and documentaries, and mix-tapes, and listening to mindless music while working out, and the peach cobbler cupcake from Molly's, and the crazy skateboarder guy in Reno, and playing poker from dinner until breakfast, and fruit snacks, and crab legs, and big-ass steaks, and wing specials, and the iO training program, and Piotr Hoffman, and Dostoyevsky, and Lolita (book), and the perfectionism of Kubrick, and the Star Wars trilogy, and HDMI cables, and a well-calibrated monitor, and   a quiet snow, and morning sex, and bathroom sex, and regular sex, and winning, and a clean apartment, and the way I mistakenly think my car runs better after I've washed it, and single-speed bicycles, and left-over pizza, and Tango Sur, and date nights, and stay-at-home dinners, and picking at my skin, and being gross, and pretending I'm not, and Orphan Thanksgiving, and New Year's tacos, and the pastor tacos from Big Star, and the sound at The Fillmore in SF, and the last three Sonic Youth albums (not including "The Eternal"), and making the trip from Reno to Berkeley with my friends just to go record shopping, and the Reach Access Flosser, and road trips to In & Out Burger, and Improvised Shakespeare, and all the J. Reis and R. Froberg bands, and freshly ground black pepper, and simplicity, and drinking responsibly, and Grub Hub, and sunny days, and the last ten minutes of hot yoga, and free refills, and good fountain Coke, and highlighting books, and pretending I don't love being the little spoon, and being told I don't have any cavities despite doing a crappy job flossing, and protein shakes, and the three-minute window at work - you can clock in three minutes late and out three minutes early; with your lunch break, you can save up to nine minutes a day, that's forty-five minutes a week, three hours a month, or thirty-six hours a year-, and Lockinfo, and BiteSMS, and bands so good I take out my earplugs, and new bass strings, and tube amplifiers, and Airplay, and Handbrake, and Google Maps, and generous tippers, and v-string thongs, and knee high socks, and Sports Night, Studio 60, The Farnsworth Invention, and every single Aaron Sorkin project, and electronics with satisfying knobs, and the way Reno is lit up like a desert lighthouse when you're coming over I-80, and meowing, and the Building Better Buddies challenge 2012, and singing fucking along in my car, and breakfast for dinner, and when Jaimie says, "kitten mittens," and Sixletts, and getting use out of extended warranties, and the Muppets Menomena (which I'm convinced is a commentary on jazz and an oppressive music industry), and tabbed browsing, and OTA updates, and love letters, and sleeping until noon, and chicken wings that give you the under the eye sweat, and unsweetened iced tea, and unadulterated bourbon, and bacon on anything, and hardcore breakdowns, and iOS, and the coefficient of friction on the glass Apple trackpad, and finding a granola bar deep in your backpack when you're starving, and

2010 Lessons

A parking spot. It's a big deal.

Things I've learned my first year in Chicago.

1. Clark St. is a shit-show after a game at Cub's Stadium.

1a. People hate it when you call Wrigley Field, "Cubs Stadium."

2. A native Chicagoan's loyalty to the Cubs is no match for a female Brewers fan with short shorts.

3. Fall back.

4. The midwest ponytail is standard issue in Chicago. California girls, please forward the memo regarding how lazy and unflattering the ponytail is.

5. Despite its hair-disrupting tendencies, wear a helmet.

6. If a Chicago team wins a championship of some sort, Wrigleyville turns into Mardi Gras. Pray you don't need the 22 bus for anything.

7. Parking on the northside of Chicago, east of Ashland, is like vehicular Russian roulette. Play enough and you'll lose. You will get violated.

8. No matter what the weatherman says, in Chicago, there's always a chance of rain.

9. When marooned outside a theatre with your bike during torrential rainfall, hail a handicapped-accessible taxi for you and your temporarily useless mode of transportation.

10. If you sit far enough back in the Ford Center for the Performing Arts, Oriental Theatre, you can't even tell who's talking. It's like trying to watch the conversation between a pitcher and the coach on the mound. Invest in decent seats.

11. Good vegan food is possible. Most vegan food is good in a qualified way (e.g. this vegan cake is delicious as compared to other vegan pastries). Karyn's Cooked in downtown Chicago is good food. Period.

12. House shows are the same everywhere in the United States. Punk rock is universal.

13. Doing improv in your underwear is a tough beast to wrangle.

14. Time apart is of no consequence to really good friends.

15. Missing your dog is an unfillable void.

16. If you love something, don't set it free. Tell it you fucking love it.

17. If you're at a CTA stop that services multiple bus routes, motion to the driver as she approaches if you'd like to be picked up. Otherwise, she will drive straight passed you.

18. You're not supposed to put ketchup on a hot dog.  At Flub a Dub Chub's on Broadway they will publicly shame you for doing so.

19. Time and space in Chicago are vastly different than time and space of other cities. In Reno, traveling twenty miles takes roughly twenty minutes. A twenty mile commute in Chicago may as well be interstellar travel.

20. Dad was right.  You really do need to get to the airport two hours before take-off. I almost had a heart attack waiting in a four hundred person line to get through security.

21. Learned how to ride a fixed-gear bicycle. I figure it was something I should know how to do, like drive a stick shift and swing a golf club. What feels inhumanly unnatural at first can become second nature in three days. I can get used to anything.

22. Pay attention. Love your iPhone, Evo, MyTouch or what have you, but when you're in Brooklyn at 2AM, need to take the train home, and your battery dies, you'll wish you looked around to establish landmarks instead of texting.

23. Hibachi leaves your clothes smelling like the orient for days.

24. If you think about it too hard, you will fuck it up.

25. Girls in Chicago don't like the word "date."

26. Even when just getting water, you should tip your bartender.

27. When you  move two thousand miles from your friends and family, Netflix makes a good wife.

28. 180s are fashionable ear muffs for the inhuman Chicago winter.

29. Cabs don't like taking credit cards. 

30. Start any customer service complaint with "I would like to cancel my..." and things are more likely to go your way.

31. If you want Craigslist tickets for a show that's been sold out for months, get to know your browser's refresh button and have a pre-written e-mail message ready to be pasted. 

32. CTA Bustracker App is the best dollar you'll ever spend.

33. If you move, don't start drinking the best coffee in your neighborhood immediately. Build up to it or you'll be ruined. Damn your perfectly crafted coffee drinks, Intelligentsia.

34.   

2010: A Creative Report Card

This is my home now.

Well, it's been a year. Time to see what I've actually done. Time for my Chicago report card.

1. Classes at iO. I'm currently a few months away from graduation. I set out to do this when I moved here and did it. [√]

2. Internship at iO. Returning for my final session in January. An unplanned bonus. [√]

3. Auditioned for the Conservatory. Second City's professional training program rejected me after I shit my pants in an audition. Turns out auditioning is hard. Really hard.  [X]

4. Audition for the Conservatory, part II. Yep. Auditioning still hard. Better, but still bad. Back to the drawing board. [XX]

5. Asked to join The Chiefs of Medicine. My first improv group. There's an actual doctor on our team. Legitimacy! [√]

5.5 The Chiefs are in a rocky place. No practice for a month and scheduling conflicts to crash an Outlook calendar. I hope we're not breaking up. [?] 

6. Started this blog. I hadn't written anything but academic papers for a couple years and it feels good to get reacquainted with my keyboard. I've missed her. [√]

7. Tried to start a band. Answered a Craigslist post for a hardcore band. Hoping the dude wasn't scared off because I'm old. I'm not old! Am I? To be continued. [X]

8. Formed an improv group from my level 1 class at iO. Tina with the Weather consists of some of my best friends in Chicago. You should have seen the ridiculous list of names almost called ourselves. [√]

9. Formed a sketch group with my good friend, Nate. We're in the infant stages now, but this little guy is going to be up walking around in no time. [√]

10. Performed with Mick Napier, co-founder of the Annoyance. After a summer intensive at the Annoyance, Mick asked me to perform with him. My instinctual response was to cower in fear and start rocking back and forth in my chair, but somehow I managed the words, "Absolutely. Just tell me when to show up." The show he invited me to was called Skinprov, a midnight show involving an all-male cast that progressively strips down to nothing but their fancy underwear. Improv is hard. Improv in your underwear is the most vulnerable I've ever been. I got some really nice Express underwear out of the deal. [√]

11. Played on the iO stage. As part of our 4B graduation shows, all students got to perform at the theater.   Coached by the indelible Jason Shotts, our team, Shotts of Glory, played our asses off for twenty-five minutes, completing the Harold. We killed it. [√]

12. A dozen shows in the Chicagoland area. Mullen's, Mad River, Studio Be, Annoyance, Playground. I feel like I'm collecting baseball cards. For now, iO and Second City! For now! [√] 

13. Appeared in a pitch reel for a pilot for a reality TV show about iO. How's that for a sentence? Having looked down upon reality television most of my adult life, I was surprised by how eager I was to be a part of this project. Soon I was spitting venom and oozing drama like the best of them. It was gross and if it gets picked up, I will disappoint all of you with how low I stoop. [√]

14. The Nevada Museum of Art is featuring an exhibit based on a book by Renoites Jeanne Jo and Mac Schopen called The Wrong Side of Reno: Three Decades of Punk and Hardcore in The Biggest Little City. Art and records from dozens of Reno bands will be featured. Running now through March 6, 2011. My old band, This Computer Kills, is among them. Things I made in my Dad's garage with friends are going to be featured in a museum. Take that, Art. [√] 

15. Flew back to Reno for some shows with Empire Improv's Hostile Greetings. Not much makes me happier than playing with these guys... except telling people I'm flying across the country to perform. "I'm out of town on business." That feels pretty good. [√] 

16. Read Anna Karenina and Moby Dick. Two big ones down, ten thousand to go. [√] 

17. Still working a day job.  [X]

18. That job is part-time. [√]

19. Haven't given up yet.  [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√] [√]

Thankful

Man Or Astro-Man gives me the big, dumb, goofy smile. 

Things I am thankful for but take for granted most of the time:

• Bike lanes
• Netflix Instant
• Free days at museums
• Tim Dufrisne
• Thanksgiving dinner at my Dad's house: crab legs, steak, Rocky IV and working on my car.
• Free, unsecured, public Wi-Fi
• 24 hour establishments--provided that neither I, nor my friends, have to work there.
• The iO training program
• My dog, Henry (on another list; I don't care)
• Having studied under Piotr Hoffman
• Hair straighteners (see here)
• Organic milk--I have no idea why it tastes so much better than regular milk.
• iPhone jailbreak software devs
• Google's search engine, maps, mail, and voice applications
• The heaters at CTA train stations
• Free refills on deluxe drinks like pineapple and orange juice
• Costco--for bankrolling my dreams.
• I still have my hair
• I've yet to attend a funeral.
• Every woman I've ever loved still talks to me.
• The art/music/soul of Jawsh Hageman
• Stern Pinball for keeping silverball alive
• Having an olive complexion that makes me practically impervious to sunburn
• The first four seasons of The West Wing
• My editor, Tess
• Double encores
• Spooning
• Waking up without having to set an alarm
• Converse All-Stars
• Auto/Paperless billing
• Nutella (i.e. breakfast frosting)
• Instrumental surf music
• Mr. Clean Magic Erasers--Seriously. Magic. 
• GPS
• Sprayway, the world's first and only streak-free window and glass cleaner
• Express clearance rack
• American Apparel 50/25/25 track shirts
• My father's love and faith in me
• Midnight releases
• New razors
• Clinique bonus time
• System updates
• High-fives
• Second chances
• Apple's Mag-Safe connector
• Michael Lewis' Empire Improv
• Alex and Jace letting me write for Anarchygolfballs.com
• Long, circular, philosophical tangents with Denise
• Rehearsals
• Tina with the Weather
• My Halo team: Squidy19, Bardkun, Arco311, TimDuff.
• Alba and Kate, my Wingmen
• Jeff for being the band/house mom he never wanted to be
• The big leather couches at the Atlantis Casino in Reno, NV--perfect for reading.
• My car for not breaking down in almost ten years
• My bike for generally being a handsome devil
• Record parties with Lisa
• Seinfeld for going out on top
• Jay-Z's discography
• Dostoyevsky and Kierkegaard for making me respect Christianity
• Nietzsche for helping me understand the roots of Christian morality
• McKenzi for teaching me etiquette and the finer points of ice skating
• A good pair of over-the-ear headphones
• Down jackets
• Air conditioning
• Harrah's Steakhouse lunch specials
• Lake-Fucking-Tahoe
• TMCC high school--I'd have been lost without this place.
• My health
• Every student who asked me a question that I had look up
• The readers of my blog
• Internet porn

Non-Sexual Orgasms

1. Unsticking stubborn food from between your teeth.
2. Remembering the actor's name who played in that film with that guy with the explosions and the arm breaking. 
3. Starting Fellowship multiball after activating the Escape the Ringwraiths ring mode on a Lord of the Rings pinball machine. Lit it and hit it. 
4. Eating a Tootsie Roll that has been softened by being in your pocket all day. Hot dashboards also do the trick. 
5. Finishing a book over a thousand pages.
6. Catching every green light on the way to work.
7. Finding a movie you loved as a child while channel surfing. 
8. Discovering a more efficient route. 
9. Playing a Q on a Words with Friends TL.
10. Hearing your best friend say "I got your back" before going on stage together.
11. Answering the Final Jeopardy question in front of people you respect. 

I Can Get Behind That

• Using up an ink pen
• Organizing my books by height and then by width
• First dates
• Wrestling with my dog, Henry
• Having just enough change to buy animal crackers from the vending machine at iO
• Girls who straighten their hair
• Peanut butter in anything
• Seamless CTA bus transfers
• Woody Allen's movies
• Finding a snack in the bottom of your bag
• The rapture of falling asleep in my house having cleaned, done laundry, and put everything in its proper place
• Tweaking my iPhone to suit my fancy
• Staying up late
• Not shaving for a week and then shaving.  
• Reading on the beach
• Drinks so cold, small chunks of ice have formed around the rim of the glass
• Watching action movies with my Dad
• Blackberries and ice cream
• Telling my friends I love them
• Liking a band so much that I take my earplugs out
• EOs from work
• Crying at movies
• New socks
• Standing in an equilateral triangle from the main speakers at a rock show
• Paper thin tee-shirts in ninety degree heat
• Restaurants open past midnight

A Decade of Sex

Ten years ago, today, I lost my virginity. I'd like to celebrate with a list of sexual insights I've gained over the last decade. This one goes to 11.

1. There is no such thing as being good at sex. There is only degrees of sexual compatibility. All junk is built differently. Things that have sent some people through the roof would have gotten me slapped by others. You gotta find square holes for your square pegs. If you find yourself with a round one, everyone is going to be unhappy.
2. If you're looking for the best way to get someone to want to sleep with you, and (this part is important) you're a boy, tell your partner that there not be, under any circumstances, sex for them. You have to mean it though. It's a paradox. Inadvertent reverse psychology will be the death of me.
3. Sex when you're in love is barely recognizable as sex.  It's church. I've been meaning to go back, but I've been busy.
4. It is your job to employ any and all means necessary to finish the job.  No excuses.  Nobody goes home when there's work to be done.
5. Sex consists of a man slowly pushing the limits of what is acceptable to his partner.  Only once have I found my limit before she found hers; that was some shit.
6. Volume is directly correlated to fun.
7. I almost never find myself comparing lovers. Each is perfect in their moment.
8. Sexiness has very little to do with physicality. I would much rather sleep with a girl who's 20 pounds overweight that owns her body than a model with self-esteem issues.  Body issues are not part of anyone's sexual fantasy.
9. Sex has recently become less important to my life. This thought terrifies me and undercuts all my assumptions about myself and the world. Sex used to be a biological need, like sleeping in and eating tons of cereal. Now I'm kid who's been spun around too many times before trying to hit a pinata.
10. Despite its logical allure, sex in water is an awful, unromantic, and uncomfortable endeavor.
11. Despite its shortcomings, water sex is still vastly superior to fancy dinners, finding $20 in your coat pocket, or great parking. Even the worst Baldwin is still a Baldwin.    

A Decade of Dating

Today marks the ten year anniversary of my adult dating life.  Adult dating, for our purposes, will signify time spent with a member of the opposite sex that did not involve a parental chaperone. In honor of surviving my first decade dating, I present some "Dos and Don'ts... Mostly Don'ts". One for every year.

1. Stay together or break up? Doesn't matter. Make a decision. Any decision.  Turns out it doesn't matter what you pick. It's all in your head anyway.  The success of your relationship has more to do with your headspace than the other person.
2. You will get caught.  Factor this in when engaging in elicit behavior.  Doesn't mean you can't partake, but it had better be worth it.  Beth in the mailroom is not worth becoming a double agent for, but Kelsey the gymnast might be.  
3. When giving a compliment, avoid adding "today" at the end.  "You look pretty" will get you a lot further than "You look pretty today." It matters.   
4. Don't buy your significant other socks for Christmas.
5. Breaking up with someone does not mean you can immediately date other people.  Just because you get out of the shower does not mean you're not wet.  If you're thinking you can sneak around and date under their nose, see above.  Moving on too quickly is almost always in poor taste.  A pragmatic rule of thumb is that you should never be praying for more than one menstruation cycle at a time.  Ladies, when you send him the text saying you're late, there should be no one Bcc'd.
6. Deciding where to eat should not be like getting a bill through congress.  Food is food.  Put it in your mouth and move on.
7. Cut the baby talk; it makes your friends hate you.
8. Sex is a fairly accurate barometer of the health of a relationship.  If the sex has stopped, your stuff may already be on the curb.  
9. Insecurity will murder everything you care about.  No one notices all your faults until you painstakingly and repeatedly point them out.  Did you even notice my car was dirty before I started profusely apologizing for it?  Of course you didn't.  You're wondering how your hair looks and if your jeans are giving you a muffin top. 
10. You only know how much you loved or didn't love someone until after the relationship ends and you see what your life is like without them.  I can't decide whether this is beautiful or a tragedy.     

  The photo is of Amber and I outside of TMCC in 2000.  I can't remember the last time I smiled that big.  Give me another decade.  I'll work on it.