8.07.2010

A Decade of Sex

Ten years ago, today, I lost my virginity. I'd like to celebrate with a list of sexual insights I've gained over the last decade. This one goes to 11.
  1. There is no such thing as being good at sex. There is only degrees of sexual compatibility. All junk is built differently. Things that have sent some people through the roof would have gotten me slapped by others. You gotta find square holes for your square pegs. If you find yourself with a round one, everyone is going to be unhappy.
  2. If you're looking for the best way to get someone to want to sleep with you, and (this part is important) you're a boy, tell your partner that there not be, under any circumstances, sex for them. You have to mean it though. It's a paradox. Inadvertent reverse psychology will be the death of me.
  3. Sex when you're in love is barely recognizable as sex.  It's church. I've been meaning to go back, but I've been busy.
  4. It is your job to employ any and all means necessary to finish the job.  No excuses.  Nobody goes home when there's work to be done.
  5. Sex consists of a man slowly pushing the limits of what is acceptable to his partner.  Only once have I found my limit before she found hers; that was some shit.
  6. Volume is directly correlated to fun.
  7. I almost never find myself comparing lovers. Each is perfect in their moment.
  8. Sexiness has very little to do with physicality. I would much rather sleep with a girl who's 20 pounds overweight that owns her body than a model with self-esteem issues.  Body issues are not part of anyone's sexual fantasy.
  9. Sex has recently become less important to my life. This thought terrifies me and undercuts all my assumptions about myself and the world. Sex used to be a biological need, like sleeping in and eating tons of cereal. Now I'm kid who's been spun around too many times before trying to hit a pinata.
  10. Despite its logical allure, sex in water is an awful, unromantic, and uncomfortable endeavor.
  11. Despite its shortcomings, water sex is still vastly superior to fancy dinners, finding $20 in your coat pocket, or great parking. Even the worst Baldwin is still a Baldwin.    

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